my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
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You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
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The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
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