Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
