so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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