shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
