She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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