i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
