The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
