So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
