pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
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