thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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