look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
