Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Randomize
