I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
