Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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