I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
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