he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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