I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
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