I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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