I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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