My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
the day after is always just damage control
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
