It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
