$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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