Cold hands, warm shart.
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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