my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
