I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
We are two peas in an std pod
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Randomize
