i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
