If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Randomize
