Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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