The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Randomize
