don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
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