There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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