i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
