You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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