I'm pants shitting drunk right now
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
