it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
I look better un-naked...
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
