At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
that's an acceptable place to lick
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
