i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
