Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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