were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
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