I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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