i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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