you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
