Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
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