I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Randomize
