I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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