we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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