Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Randomize
