my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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