She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
