I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Is that strawberry winking at me??
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
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