I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Randomize
