i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
