I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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