i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I'm getting married
To pizza
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
