we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
