The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
