they say Disney World is the happiest place on Earth. It's a close second to the Super 8 on route 18. That place holds some great memories.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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