Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
