you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
