Your mouth is God's brothel.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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